I have not written in a long time. I have a lot going on in my mind and heart, and a lot of it is really discouraging. I have a hard time writing when I am really discouraged, even though that is the precise time that I should be writing.

I want to thank all of you who participated in the first ”How Can I Help?” challenge. It moved me to read your stories and I think you are brave for taking my dare. As I mentioned, I talked to my dad about single payer healthcare. This was not easy. My dad and I are very close, but I have rarely been able to breach the politeness threshold and actually have a back-and-forth conversation about a political topic. My parents are extremely supportive of me, but since they are largely apolitical (which translates in Utah to default conservatism) they tend to view any critique of the government as cruel. The consequence is that I am afraid to discuss things with them because I am afraid of making them sad; I am afraid that my dad in particular will feel depressed by my comments but feel like it is his job, as someone who loves and supports me, to not say anything at all. This stifles the discussion before it begins, and we compenstate by acting nicer and nicer to each other without addressing the elephant in the room.

One thing I have learned from this two-week (okay, ultimately month-long) exercise is that I interpret my parents in the language of my own fears and suspicions. In reality, I think they are willing to do hard things to have conversations with me, and I am the one who usually avoids those conversations because I am afraid of how much bravery and time they will require.

 So here is what I did to take my own challenge:

 I talked to my dad about single payer healthcare. We went back and forth for one hour. I listened to him talk and tried to ask him questions about why he believed what he did rather than contradicting him as soon as he finished. He did the same for me. When it looked like we were about to slip into a false or preemptively polite solution, I tried to press forward and admit what I really felt. We ended up having a meta-conversation about how we got our ideas about capitalism and socialism, and I pressed him about inconsistencies in the things he said and he pressed me on the same and we ended admitting the personal reasons behind our abstract arguments.

 I also organized a dialogue for the Sunstone symposium. I invited people my age, their parents, and Church leaders and we spent four hours over the course of two nights talking honestly about what we love and what we do not love about the Church. I invited my parents to that, too, and tried to say things I meant and sustain the conversation when I got back home.

 This post has not been very specific, mostly because I am feeling defeated about a lot of things religiously, but hopefully it will count as my contribution.

From now on, I am going to have guest posters write in every two weeks about a topic they care about and then collaborate with them to give a “How Can I Help?” challenge for the next two weeks. The point of having guest writers is to give people who care a lot about a certain issue a forum to explain why they care and then to ask for the help that they need to see their project inch closer to realization. If you want to be a guest poster, just let me know. Tomorrow’s guest poster will be amazing. Wait for it.